So the last time I wrote a proper update I was telling you that I was giving in to the oramorph and having to accept that I needed to take it at regular times again. I was also talking about my midnight meltdowns and the struggle I was having keeping going both physically and mentally. Well, just about 10 days before Christmas I rang my GP and let him in on the secret that I had in fact not been out of bed in a week, out of the house in 2 weeks and that I was hardly sleeping. It was time to try something new and we both knew it.
I knew before he even said it, that he was going to prescribe me morphine tablets. I had already had a brief conversation with my Occupational Health assigned doctor who had suggested it might be a better idea so I had had some time to get used to the idea. My GP is thinking of the use of this as a short term measure until I have my first (of unknown amounts of) operation in mid January. He decided to go straight in with 75mg am and again pm. So here I am; the girl who has been fighting taking morphine-on full time morphine and well, it initially immediately sorted the sleep issue!
Well, so much has happened since I started this blog about 2 weeks ago! It was just after Christmas and I was going to tell you that I’d managed to spend all day downstairs on Christmas day and even made it down for a couple of hours the following couple of days. And of course, I couldn’t break our yearly Christmas Eve traditional get together with a few friends after the local church Carol service. (I slept on my friend’s sofa whilst they did that bit)! I’d had Tracheitis since just before Christmas Eve and was on antibiotics. Well I coped with that just about with a few oramorph top ups (yep-you heard that right)!! Can you believe how much of the stuff I’m actually taking now? I just have yo keep telling myself that it’s just short term and that these ops will mean I can get off the stuff! Do you want to know more about what morphine is like? It’s like I’m a tortoise wading through the tinsel and keep feeling the need to be naughty. It’s brought out my inner imp. If only I was well enough to use my impish ideas! 🐢🐢
So, morphine side effects are fun! As well as making you live your life on slow motion replay; morphine just makes me go to sleep. I can be talking one minute and asleep the next. On Boxing Day, when I was stil trying to pretend that I wasn’t in pain or suffering from the Tracheitis, I went off to play a game with the boys. They chose Yahtzee and once they’d organized it, it was new; they decided I should referee. Well, the game went well for about 10 minutes even though, I would be trying to tell them something and it would just come out as a slur and my eyes would be drooping. Then they started arguing over how to throw the dice and I couldn’t cope with it anymore. Joel had to come in and even though I was fighting it; forcing my way to the end of a sentence: I had to give in. I had to throw in the towel, pissed off with myself and my body for ruining Christmas and time with my kids, and head back up to bed and go and sleep it off for a bit. It’s almost like the morphine is flowing through your body in waves and it just hits you out of nowhere so that you have to sleep; NOW! I have never been one to sleep in the day, let alone sleep in a car or on a sofa with people around me. Now I can just nod off at the drop of a hat!
So where are we now on the 6th January, Epiphany; now that I’m finally trying to finish this blog post (it’s hard with so few spoons)? Before Christmas, I was being stubborn and not going to let it ruin our celebrations. I tried to do things that I find hard even on a fairly good day, let alone one when I’ve been in excruciating pain for weeks, just been put on constant morphine and have a respiratory tract infection. Well, after an hour or so visit from my parents and Nan the next day I finally crashed! The wrath of trying to ignore what my body was telling me had hit me. Again!
And so, since December 27th at 3pm I’ve been in bed, in my bedroom and nowhere else! We have an en-suite, which is lucky because even the 6 paces to the loo have been exhausting. And my infection hasn’t gone of course so I’m on a stronger antibiotics, that come with RULES😳! I haven’t even managed to get on Facebook until a couple of days ago apart from the odd, quick look at the main event-no scrolling! Then on Sunday I started joining in again a bit more on Facebook; I had wanted to go downstairs but brushing my teeth had left me in agony because I’d only chosen to take 60mg of the morphine so I wouldn’t fall asleep on the boys but it meant I couldn’t go downstairs. Luckily, they came up to me instead and we all watched a movie in my bedroom instead!
Since then I did manage a couple of hours downstairs with my eldest on his INSET day and we chilled watching some David Attenborough programme and playing some simple card games. It made both of our days. It did of course send me back to bed the next day with no spoons for a shower but it was worth it. My GP is phoning me this afternoon as I’m on my last dose of antibiotics today and still not good. I wonder what he’ll say? I’m so worried that it will affect my operation next week! I will try and post about my op as soon as I can afterwards. Anyway, I’m just about to go back to sleep now after my morning’s dose. I’m only taking 60mg every day now so that I’m not so sleepy. I still take the 75mg at night though because I still have pain at night despite all of that morphine, can you believe it? Fingers crossed that my operation next week will cut out the need for morphine completely. Wouldn’t that be great? That’s my aim. No New Year’s resolutions for me-just an aim to no longer need morphine.